Tuesday, January 15, 2013

Abandonment Issues

I can't help but feel that architecture abandoned me.

I mean.. I did everything someone is supposed to do, right?

I went to college.. I even got 2 degrees!
I got a job in my field, and I was (i think) a damn good employee.  I did whatever was needed, I selflessly helped others whenever I could.  I never kept tricks or skills I had learned to myself.  I always shared, with the feeling that the more that knew, the better off the firm would be as a whole. I worked my ar$e off when needed, and I always did my best at whatever task I was given.

OK... I did bitch and gossip a lot.. frankly - probably too much - but honestly, that was just 'therapy' for me.  it helped me get things off my chest and not be resentful (misery loves company kind of thought I guess)

...and yet, throughout my career, I've constantly seebn others who (in my opinion) were not pulling their weight, slacking off, not even doing what they promise.... and somehow the profession $hits on me and promotes and rewards those others....

I can't tell you how betrayed that makes me feel.
(come to think of it.. because it happened nearly everwhere i worked - that leads me to question, that maybe it is me that is f**ked up in my perception of myself)

whatever the case - as much as I love it, as much as I crave an outlet that combines my creative skills (such as they are) and my technologic/computer/software skills - and as much as architecture these days is a perfect blend of all those areas...   maybe it's not for me.

maybe i am just too much of a generalist and not specialized enough for architecture.

i just can't help but fee that no matter how much i love it....it doesn't love me.
and that brings tears to my eyes... it really does.

Sunday, November 18, 2012

Well.. Here we are...

The last couple of days, I've been catching up with the TV series "The Walking Dead".  I saw the first 2 episodes when they aired originally, but then the show times kept moving around and I was never able to catch the next episode.

So, almost caught up now (only a few episodes of the current season to watch) and it struck me.... I am jealous of the world the characters inhabit - of the lives they live.

I asked a friend, who also enjoys the show about that - and he thought it wasn't weird, because that world is very tribal, and there is no sense of consumerism or the 'rat race'

Some truth in that.

But, as I reflected on those thoughts as they relate to my current situation... I think what struck me, is the sense of purpose.  It's a struggle for survival in their world, and everyone chips in and helps.  Everyone accomplishes something in their own way.  Some more than others, surely - but everyone is contributing.  Whether it's doing the dishes and the laundry so that those out hunting/gathering/protecting can recover - or if its being out in the wild, making sure that those back in camp are safe.

And each time a member of the group is lost, the group dynamics shift, to accommodate the loss.

That sense of contributing to the greater good (whatever the hell that is)
That sense of acomplishment
The satisfaction of knowing that others can do their job, because I have done mine; is lost in my world right now.

Bring on the apocalypse.

Thursday, November 15, 2012

No news is good news?

I wish I had something more positive to blog about.

Sadly, nothing much has changed over the last 13 weeks or so.  As a friend of mine used to say; "Same ol' shit, just warmed over"

Prospective leads are all dead ends
Job postings get taken down shortly after I apply

One job I found, that was practically a carbon copy of my resume and skills, I learned had 60 applicants !!!

And still no one calls, or e-mails.
I've taken to calling myself every few days just to make sure my phone still works.

So, that leaves me where I have been.
spending way to much time watching TV, and not nearly enough time being more productive.

I've got to change that.  All this free time, and the weather getting nice finally, I need to get out, be more active, and get some outside work done around the house.

Find some satisfaction in accomplishing something, anything.   That is the worst part of being unemployed - there isn't much sense of accomplishment.

Not that Architecture generates much of that sense.  Years go by, and the only progress is lines on a piece of paper.  But it's something.

In the meantime... life plods on
Holiday season is approaching, but it's shaping up to be a miserable several weeks.

Sunday, November 4, 2012


i have really been awful about keeping this blog up, as much as i had intended to when i started it.

i recently read "Cloud Atlas", twice actually.  I also went to see the film.  Both are wonderful.  The story has touched me for some reason, that i can't entirely put my finger on.  my best guess would be, that one of the books themes... that souls get reborn again and again, and that the individual lives are affected by past deeds... is resonating in me very strongly.  life totally sux right now.  as bad as it did for me in high school, and my first few years of college... but especially high school.  that was a very very dark time in my life.

life is getting dark once again.

yin and yang.  light and dark, professional life and personal life.  balance.

professionally, not having a job imparts a strong sense of worthlessness.  i am not contributing to the greater good, as an architect should.

but more than professionally, it is my personal life that is the darkest.  that coupled with the unemployment, has thrown my world out of balance... shut off all the lights, and has left me fumbling alone in the dark.

i dont foresee balance returning, and that just makes life that much darker... and hopeless.

cloud atlas i guess offers a pin prick of light.  maybe next time around, it will be better.....   ?

Monday, October 22, 2012

...Make it so, Number One

Why won't anyone call?  Why is no one interested?

I gave up long ago, trying to be the Architect.

Leave that to the Type A personalities.

I identify more with the Type B's anyway.  I just want to be a part of the process.  Type A's are generally too busy, too many things on their plate, too unfocused to really get things done.  They are good talkers.  They excel at 'Talk-itecture'.  Quite frankly, they usually don't have the technical skills to do what it is they want, anyway.  Lets be honest.

That is the slot I want to fill.  I want to be the go-to guy.  The one who can understand and interpret their vision.  Add my own touches where appropriate.  Make sure that the technical requirements are all met (ADA, Zoning.. the boring shit).  The guy who get things done.

I think I am that person.  I have never heard otherwise from old bosses.  When given a task.. a final goal and a timeline, I (believe) I have always produced.

Ultimately, I guess its a need to be needed.  (Wherever that comes from)
I just want to be needed...

So.. why isn't anyone calling?
is this niche not unique as I think it is?

Seems everyone I know in the professon wants to be a Captain Picard.  I just want to be Riker.

[ Maybe that explains the beard I have been growing!?! ]

Wednesday, October 17, 2012

Lets get weird

Suppose someone told you, they'd come up with an idea for a TV show, set in a city park, with the main characters being a Blue Jay and a Raccoon

On top of that, their co-workers are:
     a Gum Ball Machine, as their boss
     a Lollipop
     a Yeti that skips everywhere
     a Muscular Green guy
     and a Ghost giving perpetual High-Fives....

what would you say to that person?
how many drugs would you think they were on?

Yet... that TV show exists

Maybe it's time to start getting weird
(or maybe it's just time to up the dosage!!)

Friday, September 28, 2012

mid life crisis or are my eyes finally open?

i don't like this profession anymore.

i don't exactly know why.

maybe because i never 'grew' into the role, never really wanted to do the boring.  didn't focus on the business side of the profession.

i wanted to stay in school mode.
doing more the fun and creative side of the job.

it means i find myself in a position where 'normally' i would be at a certain point in my career.  the point at least, where all my friends are.  i am not anywhere near that point.

unfortunately the side of the profession i enjoy, the creative side, these days, is delegated more to the kid fresh out of college.  i may as well have graduated last week.


i may not know exactly why, but i pretty much know when.

September 2011.  when i got laid off from architekton.

i LOVED that job.  it was by far the best place i had ever worked.
sure the were issues, that is an inevitably in any work environment.  but it was the place i felt most comfortable, respected and where i felt i was contributing in a way that exceeded simply being a cad monkey.

getting fired, the first time i ever got fired from a real job (got fired from a few high school jobs, but those kind of jobs don't really count).  first time since 1995 that i wasn't working, and that feeling of professional impotence shattered my childlike love of the profession.

realized that i was not so much part of a family,
i was not a valuded asset...
i was just a commodity.
a warm body,
one who could bang on a keyboard like a trained monkey.

"everyone has a plan until they get punched in the face"
- mike tyson