Tuesday, January 15, 2013

Abandonment Issues

I can't help but feel that architecture abandoned me.

I mean.. I did everything someone is supposed to do, right?

I went to college.. I even got 2 degrees!
I got a job in my field, and I was (i think) a damn good employee.  I did whatever was needed, I selflessly helped others whenever I could.  I never kept tricks or skills I had learned to myself.  I always shared, with the feeling that the more that knew, the better off the firm would be as a whole. I worked my ar$e off when needed, and I always did my best at whatever task I was given.

OK... I did bitch and gossip a lot.. frankly - probably too much - but honestly, that was just 'therapy' for me.  it helped me get things off my chest and not be resentful (misery loves company kind of thought I guess)

...and yet, throughout my career, I've constantly seebn others who (in my opinion) were not pulling their weight, slacking off, not even doing what they promise.... and somehow the profession $hits on me and promotes and rewards those others....

I can't tell you how betrayed that makes me feel.
(come to think of it.. because it happened nearly everwhere i worked - that leads me to question, that maybe it is me that is f**ked up in my perception of myself)

whatever the case - as much as I love it, as much as I crave an outlet that combines my creative skills (such as they are) and my technologic/computer/software skills - and as much as architecture these days is a perfect blend of all those areas...   maybe it's not for me.

maybe i am just too much of a generalist and not specialized enough for architecture.

i just can't help but fee that no matter how much i love it....it doesn't love me.
and that brings tears to my eyes... it really does.

1 comment:

  1. I feel the same. I got laid off for the third time in December. I have since gotten licensed in California but I keep thinking for what as I sit here on my couch scouring the internet for a job or just some good advice. My only hope is that the last two times I was unemployed I was able to find something within 4-9 months. I hope I don't have to wait so long this time.
    There even seems to be lots of jobs that match my skill level that I've been applying to and still no response. Maybe we can exchange resume and portfolios and give each other criticism and advice? Find me on linkedin my name is Amy Newborn. It would be good to expand our networks.